Ready, Set, Round 2

It was two days ago that I realized that I needed an outlet for my anger. I was sitting on the couch, mindlessly watching TV when a commercial for some company called Eye Love (feat. Jennifer Aniston) came on. Jennifer said some crap about how her friends could always tell what she was thinking just by looking in her eyes, but what they never knew was ... DUN DUN DUN ... she had eyes that were DRY AND ITCHY and she finally decided to do something about it. I found myself yelling "F YOU JENNIFER AND YOUR STUPID EYES" at the TV (followed by a lovely finger gesture saved for moments like this). I couldn't believe that this was her life's biggest worry. Here I am, fighting cancer for the second time, and Jennifer Aniston is worried about her dry eyes. I was infuriated, to the point of screaming, at a commercial - A COMMERCIAL.

This stuff (read: shit) makes you think. Yelling at poor Jennifer Aniston on a television commercial makes you think. Cancer, for a second time, makes you think - it makes you question things. Why am I at this place in my life again? What did I do wrong? Why can't I have the normal just-married-26-year-old life that I wanted? Why do all of the statistics point out that I shouldn't have this type of cancer, yet here I am again with it for a second time. Why can't my biggest problem just be dry eyes like stupid Jennifer?

These are things that I just do. not. know. right. now.

But here is what I do know: I am trying my best to change how I am thinking about this curveball that life has thrown me. I am trying so hard to change "Why me?" into "Well, why not me?". Maybe this is the second chapter to a story that wasn't finished yet.

Here's another thing that I do know: I have been shown the kind of love, compassion and caring that some people may never get to experience in their lives. From the moment that I found out about the big C the love literally flowed in from across the world. Our cellphones were bursting with emails and texts and calls full of love, positivity and prayers. Our apartment was FILLED with flowers, and cookies and all kinds of gifts. Our mailbox was full of letters proclaiming things like "you can do this - you are the strongest person I know". And this is where I started to struggle the most. Amidst the love and compassion were feelings of hopelessness - because I felt anything but strong.

Now don't get me wrong, I actually started out strangely strong. Sure, I had my initial breakdown when I first found out about the news, but then I had this overwhelming feeling of calm. This feeling scared me a little because I kept wondering "why am I so calm?" - "what is God preparing me for?". My doctors had a plan though and we were all on the same page. I liked plans (we all know how OCD I am) and I felt prepared to fight. After the countless scans and pricks and blood tests and doctors appointments and waiting for results, we had a plan: 7 weeks of chemo and radiation. I was confident - I could do this. 7 of the hardest weeks of my life (plus some after) and then it would be gone for good - this was something I could do.

But then the differing opinions came. The suggestions of surgery that had been silenced at the beginning started to creep their way back to the front. The plan that I was so confident in was now being compared to a new plan - a plan that I didn't like.

So this is where we are at currently: doctors have provided us with two options for this reoccurring cancer. Option 1: attack it solely with 7 weeks of concurrent chemo. and radiation and pray to God that it's strong enough to knock it now and forever. The pro's of this option are that it's less aggressive and causes less long-term problems, but the con's are that it does not always work and it has less of a chance to "last" forever. Option 2: Surgery of the base of the tongue (which is a major surgery), followed most likely by chemo/radiation. The pro's of this option is that because it is so aggressive, we are more likely to get rid of this cancer forever. The cons are that it has some long term disabling affects (like life-long swallowing and speaking problems). This is the part that I am struggling with the most.

So this is where we are at currently; stuck somewhere between option 1 and option 2. I had my surgery on Tuesday to put in a chemo port and a feeding tube, just to be pro-active, and I am currently enjoying life on the couch with a lovely mixture of hydrocodeine and Xanax (thank God for prescriptions amiright?). We are heading to MD Anderson in Houston on Tuesday to get another opinion on option 1 vs. option 2. We are praying that this will hopefully help guide our hearts towards the right answer. I would be lying if I said that I was still feeling that confidence that I was feeling at the beginning. I am whole-heartedly scared - more scared than I have ever been before in my entire life. I have struggled to find joy in these days and at times struggled to even get out of bed. But what I have found is that when I am at my weakest, the people around me are at their strongest. I have an ARMY on my side and I could not be luckier. God truly put these people in my life to carry me when I cannot walk on my own.

So to finish this up, I want to thank each and every person who has sent a text, letter, email, gift, package, flowers, etc. I have truly felt, from the very beginning, surrounded by everyone's love and prayers. I also want to ask that you all continue to pray, not only for me, but for my family and I as we make these hard upcoming decisions.

Regardless of how I may feel at times, I still have a lot of fight left in me, and I am going to do my best to kick this Cancer in the ass. (Oh and sorry mom for all the swearing in this post but a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do). I will keep everyone posted on what's to come in the near future.

XX00 L