Back At It Again
I'M BAAAAAAACKKKK!
So … recently I have had a ton of people asking about my slight hiatus in posting blogs and updates. They wanted to know when I was going to post next. They wanted to know why I stopped.
Here’s the truth: I stopped because I was tired of writing about cancer.
These same people that reached out to me though, spoke to me about how my blog had somehow impacted someone in their lives going through the same thing.
- Each of them had a story to tell me.
- Each of them knew someone fighting the same battle that I had to fight.
- Each of them knew someone who was able to relate to my struggles through my blog posts.
I started this whole “blog thing” in an effort to provide myself some kind of emotional outlet. In the process though, apparently I was being “relatable” (go me!). What I realized at that point, was that if just ONE person was able to read a post of mine and feel some kind of connection, then I guess I had done my job.
So here’s some more truth: How can you say no to those asking you to keep posting? I guess I will write a little more about cancer ...
I can sum up the last few months pretty quickly for you. I had a clear head to toes scan in July, FINALLY got my feeding tube and chemo port removed (praise the Lord), and last week I was able to “submerge” in water for the first time since last September (give me ALL the pools and baths). Now it’s August .. the dust has settled from treatment, and I have comfortably moved into the cancer PTSD phase.
Most people think that once the cancer is out - once you hear those magical words “NO EVIDENCE OF DISEASE” - that the journey is done. Throw out all the medications, write a nice “yay I’m cancer free” social media post, bask in the joy of the “congratulations”, and move on with your life.
To that I say: HA
What most people don’t know is that going through treatment was the easy part. Now when I say easy, I obviously don’t mean “easy” in the actual term, but I mean it was a different kind of battle. When you are going through treatment you are actively fighting the cancer. You are constantly in and out of doctor’s offices. People are checking your vitals more than you could ever want. They are shooting you up with poison, radiating you, poking, prodding .. and it’s shitty, it really is … but you are actively fighting it. But then, all of a sudden, you’re done. The doctors appointments start to be further and fewer between. You are expected to put all of your trust in your clear scans and move forward. You are actively doing nothing.
It’s the part afterwards that’s the toughest.
You see, I am done with cancer but it isn’t done with me. It continues to creep it’s way into so many aspects of my life and honestly, I am more emotionally unstable then a 17 year-old girl after her first break-up.
Here’s an example: the other day I was trying to decide on the benefit plan that I was going to choose this year and I had to decide if I was going to pay to disability again or not. It’s silly, but it felt like paying to disability was telling the universe “I may get sick again, so I need this for a back-up”, but NOT paying to disability was tempting fate saying “HA - I heard “no evidence of disease so I don’t need this!”. I ended up in tears because I couldn’t choose.
Another example: we recently went on an amazing family trip to Cabo. Cabo - as you know - is full of sun, sand, beaches … AND ALCOHOL. Oh, how I love a good rum punch. Oh, how I love a good margarita. Oh, how I truly wanted to drink from 9am to 9pm bc hey it’s my vacation and I am an adult and I do what I want. A normal 27 year old (like my sweet husband) is able to do that and validate the choices by saying “it’s vacation - I deserve it” (If you disagree with this statement, then you probably aren’t in your 20’s anymore). I, however, went through an absolutely RIDICULOUS (and long lasting) mental battle with myself before/during/after EACH TIME I decided to order a drink.
Timeline/thoughts of a “normal” person:
11:00 am - “I want a margarita”
11:05 am - “yum this is good - good choice self”
Timeline/thoughts of anxiety filled me:
9:00 am - “Ok I really want a margarita for lunch. It’s vacation so I feel like I should just live my life a little bit. You only get one life to live - I think I saw that on a nice motivational poster one time - ok cool YOLO”
9:05 am - “but the doctor said drinking can cause cancer. Well, hell, doesn’t everything cause cancer these days? And ugh my cancer was in my mouth so I should probably be careful with what I put in there. Ok no margarita, just water. It’s not that big of a deal. So you can’t enjoy a drink. You’re alive dummy - it’s not that big of a sacrifice!”
9:10 am - “But WHY does cancer rule everything in my life? Every choice? Every thought? I AM HAVING A MARGARITA DAMNIT AND I AM GOING TO ENJOY IT”
...
11:00 am - “ok you can do it Lauren” ………. orders margarita
11:05 am - asking my poor husband and mom: “this isn’t going to give me cancer right?” (they both say no and reassure me for 10 minutes - I feel bad bc man it must suck to constantly have to reassure me - but I do it anyways).
11:20 am - margarita is gone, but replaced with anxiety for the next 3 hours that the cancer is going to come back solely as a result of that one stupid cup of alcohol.
Rinse and repeat.
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Stupid little every day occurrences. Stupid cancer stealing my joy. Stupid disease that I am supposed to be “done” with. Stupid moments of anxiety robbing me of moments of happiness. The stupid, stupid aftermath of once having a life-threatening disease.
So for those of you who are just starting your cancer fight, for those that are smack dab in the middle, and those who are lucky enough to finally have cancer in their past - this is what I say to you: It’s going to suck for awhile.
I can sugar coat it for you if you want … but I won’t. The bad days come and go, and sometimes the bad days seem unbearable. Sometimes the bad days are scarier than you could have ever imagined. Sometimes the bad days make you cynical. Sometimes the bad days cloud your memories of all of the good. The point is not to avoid these bad days though - because you WILL have them. The point is to realize that while they are inevitable, with the bad often comes the good. The good days will come and go too - I promise.
Hold on to the good days, cry through the bad days - and hey, I guess that’s life. Hardships often prepare ordinary people for extraordinary things.
If you’re like me, people will tell you time and time again that this is just a “chapter” in your life, not your story. At times this phrase will seem cheesy, and at times it will irritate you because so often it feels like the chapter Will. Never. End. My chapter hasn’t ended yet, that’s for sure, but I’ll be damned if it becomes my story. I’ll be damned if I let this “chapter” dictate how the rest of my life goes.
I will eventually be able to order a drink without 5 hours of anxiety. I will eventually be able to turn on the TV and not panic when a cancer commercial comes on. I will eventually not feel the need to spend hours upon hours searching my body for signs of cancer. It’s a work in progress but I will eventually put this “chapter” behind me.
God gave me not one, but TWO “second chances” at life and I am not going to waste it. I am still living, breathing, smiling, crying, and enjoying this messy life I have been so undeservingly blessed with. So, because of this great blessing, and because my God continues to move my mountains and give me the good days with the bad, I will continue to find joy in between the anxiety. I will continue to smile in between the moments of worry. I will continue to wipe my tears and give myself a little grace. I will continue to do all of this because life is hard and life can feel unfair, but we NEVER have to walk through it alone.
So … on to the next chapter I go ... giving myself just enough grace for today ...
